‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas. . . isn’t that Festivus?

In the great Festivus tradition. . .

This is what I am imagining:
This is reality:
This is what I am imagining:

2 geldings and a mare; Belgian farm horses

2 geldings and a mare; Belgian farm horses

This is reality:

This is what I am imagining:
that I didn’t get bad morning sickness and that I never said a word to the farmer’s wife. That I stayed out of her kitchen and never let her daughter near my kids. That I did not hear a word of complaint from her about her husband, her husband’s family, foreigners, customers, Joel Salatin, the USDA, etc. That she did not talk about me to her daughter and complain about only God knows what that I was not doing right. That her daughter did not call me a bitch in front of my children without explanation. That she did not get angry when I suggested that we could make a living farming and tell me she had been farming for twenty years and I didn’t know how expensive feed was (when I had been researching feed prices for weeks). That I could see the friends we made in Maryland without all the bad memories being there. That I could be in the snow. That we could have finished raising the pigs and taken them to butcher. That we could have raised turkeys and processed them. That I could have watched my heirloom tomatoes ripen fully and eaten them. That I could know I wasn’t lied about to people I liked on the other side of the country. That When summer rolls around again I am somewhere green and lush where a million fireflies come out at night. That I could be healthy and able to work with my husband. I am letting myself imagine all this just for a moment tonight, and then tomorrow I am going to wake up and let go of it, or at least try.


9 thoughts on “‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas. . . isn’t that Festivus?

  1. Awe, I want to give you a big hug right now. When we find ourselves in the desert we can remember that our Father is guiding us and his plans lead to places and situations greater than any we can imagine.

  2. Many of us have situations in our history that make us want to writhe in regret and anger. Give these feelings to God. His plan for us is greater than anything we could imagine.
    “But if our God is for us, then what could stand against?”

  3. Oh, my sweet friend, I am always touched by your transparency. I wish all those things you wished for, could come true. My hackles reared at the thought of anyone talking to you in such a way, ever, let alone in front of your children. I am so sorry for the wound inflicted. I am astounded that anyone one could be so insensitive and crass. I see you as a woman of great strength. I am in awe that you’ve traveled from west to the east and back again, to support your husband’s dreams. You blow me away with the way you’ve dug in and put your knowledge into actions. I am wowed that you began a garden, and tended pigs, cows, and turkeys. Your talents in photography and writing leave me yearning for more.

    What a horrid situation to have been in. Holidays often cause a sense of teetering, especially when we are separated from family and friends, the busyness of a new little one with older siblings, and one’s main female contact seems to not only see her glass as half-empty but seems bent on emptying your glass as well. Just shake that dust from your feet and keep pressing forward.

    Mel, you will see snow again and walk on lush green grass. Gardens and farm animals, with your sweet children running amongst them playing, most likely are in your future. There are dozens of seasons in our lives. Please be encouraged that this is only a season and will pass. I wish so much that we were neighbors. I would love to listen endlessly to your dreams of a farm, Joel Salatin, spinning wool, and help you cultivate all your positive thoughts and energies.

    I don’t think I was aware of how ill you were when you were expecting. It sounds like you had hyperemesis gravidarum (HG), serious stuff. Is that attached to the reason you are still feeling not healthy? Mel, please message me so I can pray like crazy for you, with you. You are so much more than your neighbor could ever imagine.

    • Thank you Debbie, your kind words mean a lot to me (and Spencer), and more so your prayers. It would be wonderful to be your neighbor too! I’m sure we could learn a lot from you. Thankfully all our neighbors here in Panoche are very sweet and nobody has been negative or rude to us–in fact they have all been very generous and helpful.

      The woman who was so awful was the person whose farm we worked on in Maryland. Her husband was a very nice person and so were some of her children, but we ended up leaving the farm and the east coast a lot earlier than planned (leaving before we could complete a lot of projects we were working on there) because of her. Our pastor back in Maryland also advised us to “shake the dust off our feet”, and we did, but we keep finding a little of it in our shoes still!

      I have been feeling pretty well the past few days; I just have to be very carefully not to do too much or I get infections related to nursing. Even something like sweeping can trigger it. I don’t think it has to do with the HG, but who knows?

      It may be a while, but when we get some sheep one day, I will send you a fleece to spin!

      • Thank you, Melissa for helping me understand this was a past event that still raises it’s head and causes occasional pain. It’s never an easy thing to leave on hurtful terms and without closure. I have a few of my own haunts in that area as well.

        I am so glad you are feeling better. Do you have a mid-wife in the are to consult? I consulted one that I am close with and these are her suggestions:

        Make certain your nursing support system isn’t ‘underwire’ or not tight or restrictive in any way. That is often the reason nursing mom’s have troubles when they are active; the milk is not allowed to flow freely. (There are extenders of all sorts available, let me know if I can help.)

        The number one remedy and prevention is….fresh cabbage leaves…worn. I know, but they are the correct shape! 😉 Use as fresh of cabbage as possible, used as a ‘liner’ and changed every nursing to every 6 hours. I’ve heard countless moms say this does the trick. Who knew?

        Drinking fenugreek tea made from fenugreek seeds (these help sinus issues as well), or taking fenugreek tincture. She also recommended using/taking any essiential oils that are immune builders and eating raw garlic. The latter may prove to be a nature birth control. (I was hoping to make you smile. Did it work?:) Myrrh oil and oregano oils (use the latter with a carrier) are great infection fighters and immune builders. Take orally, and apply topically, being careful to not allow Maxine to come in contact with it. Cover the treatment area during nursing and do not allow it to come in contact with anyone’s eyes.

        My apologies it this is too personal to post here. I hope others could benefit from this knowledge, but please do feel free to delete this post after reading. If I was a Mission Impossible, Get Smart, kind of agent, I would have it self destruct!!

        Hopefully, one day we can spin fiber and tales together.

        Hugs to you my friend.

    • Thank you grandma. Debra is a friend of Spencer’s family from Michigan and a very sweet lady.

      I am feeling better now; Christmas day was really nice, and it was encouraging to see everyone, even without Spencer 😉 We will be coming up for Maxine’s baptism on the 12th and hope to see you then too!

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